[Two Pronged] Fiancé’s ex-girlfriend will not cease contacting him

Rappler’s Life and Fashion part runs an recommendation column by couple Jeremy Baer and medical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a grasp’s diploma in legislation from Oxford College. A banker of 37 years who labored in three continents, he has been coaching with Dr. Holmes for the final 10 years as co-lecturer and, often, as co-therapist, particularly with purchasers whose monetary issues intrude into their each day lives.

Collectively, they’ve written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Overseas Liaisons.

Expensive Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I’m a senior citizen, 53 years previous, and engaged to a different senior citizen. This will probably be a second marriage for us each.

My first marriage ended as a result of my husband was untrue. After over 20 years, I lastly bought my annulment. His first marriage lasting 33 years ended amicably, through divorce. They outgrew one another, however they’re nonetheless pals.

My drawback is that this. Earlier than our engagement my fiancé “John” had a girlfriend “Melanie” (4 years collectively). Earlier than that, even earlier than he had his girlfriend Melanie, John and I had been collectively till I spotted he couldn’t commit himself to me completely.

Solely after we broke up he bought himself this girlfriend.

They broke up, he courted me once more, promising this time it could be completely different. He has stored his promise. We’re scheduled to be married this April.

My drawback is that Melanie received’t depart him alone. She at all times finds an excuse to attach with him, even after their breakup. First, as a result of she was “so harm” she made him promise he couldn’t contact me for a month. 

He obeyed her, regardless of him already courting me. I used to be so frightened when I didn’t hear from him, however nonetheless he did that as a result of he needed to maintain his phrase to Melanie. That they had already damaged up by then, however nonetheless, he obeyed her.

Second, he invited me to go to South Africa with him. We went and each liked it. I solely discovered after that they too had plans to go there earlier than they broke up.

When she discovered he was taking me, she referred to as him and requested him to postpone his journey with me for a 12 months so it could not harm her an excessive amount of. 

Lastly, Melanie additionally ordered some particular delicacies John’s household is understood for. She desires it for April 19, as a result of she will probably be within the Philippines that day. She advised his household this, they advised John, and John finally advised me.

April 22 is after we are scheduled to be married. We’ve got already booked the church and the venue.

I can’t cease fascinated about Melanie’s plans to be within the Philippines three days earlier than our wedding ceremony. I don’t wish to should struggle for him 3 days earlier than we get married. I’m not as refined as Melanie. I don’t have the abilities to struggle this with out breaking down and crying. Please assist me.

– Lenny

Expensive Lenny,

As you your self admit, John has a lower than stellar repute. First time spherical, you broke up as a result of he couldn’t give you an unique relationship. Second time spherical, regardless of guarantees that issues could be completely different, all of the indicators are that he’s clinging on to his relationship together with his ex, Melanie, who herself is exhibiting no indicators of giving him up.

It might be true that he’s not technically dishonest on you — not contacting you, delaying journeys and ordering delicacies aren’t the equal of sexual infidelity — however they don’t counsel an unique relationship with you both. As a substitute, he appears anxious to be in contact with Melanie and cater unquestioningly to her whims.

These aren’t the actions of a person readying himself to pronounce his marriage vow to “love, honor and cherish you, forsaking all others.” 

The months earlier than a marriage are often the time when the bridegroom to be is on his greatest habits, attempting to influence you that your selection of partner is totally justified. As a substitute, he’s dancing to the tune of a earlier girlfriend.

It’s time to name him out, earlier than the marriage, earlier than it’s too late. Both he cuts all ties with Melanie and demonstrates his love, devotion, respect and a spotlight to you completely or you need to critically rethink his suitability as a future husband. A fiancé who places you first, retains his guarantees, and consigns his ex to historical past is the very least you need to count on.

All the most effective,

– JAF Baer

Expensive Lenny,

Thanks very a lot to your letter.  I need to admit I didn’t count on Mr. Baer to undertake such a robust, take-no-prisoners stand. Mr. Baer has already determined that John is a doormat, nonetheless doing what his ex Melanie asks him to do.

I disagree. Sure, he did the just about inexcusable: not calling you for a month whenever you would understandably be extra nervous than traditional as a result of this might be the primary time John and his ex would meet once more. Sure, he ought to have identified higher.

Admittedly, I  have by no means met John, however I really feel the rationale for his one-month silence was NOT as a result of he selected Melanie over you, however as a result of he didn’t wish to harm her. 

Take observe: as a result of she was ‘so harm” she felt her “no-contact-for-a-month” request wouldn’t be an issue. After 4 years, she is aware of John and what works with him.

This speculation is borne out as a result of she once more used the “so harm” excuse when she referred to as and advised him she would once more be harm if he didn’t postpone his South Africa journey for a 12 months.

Melanie is aware of him sufficient to know this might ordinarily work. What she didn’t think about was that John, after acquiescing to her first request and, I think about, after you then advised him the way you felt about his silence, was a bit extra discerning about her machinations.  

The proof of the pudding is within the consuming. He did go to South Africa with you in lower than a 12 months, regardless of her being “harm.” If you’re the kind to rely wins and losses (as, alas, usually I’m) this time you “received.” Better of all, you received with out having to struggle for it, with out even figuring out Melanie requested this of him. 

I daresay he’s beginning to discern the distinction between an ex girlfriend and his fiancé. Good for him, good for you each, Win 2 for you!

Regrading her ultimate try deliberate for April 19 — this time you possibly can inform him how you’re feeling. I agree with Jeremy’s recommendation to chop and minimize cleanly in case he doesn’t instantly agree with you. 

The primary time he acquiesced, I really feel, could be forgiven as a result of he didn’t wish to harm her. Whether or not with foundation or not, he in all probability felt breaking apart along with her was not gentlemanly so the least he might do is make it harm much less. (P.S. if the wedding pulls by in April, I believe I must be Ninang, don’t you? 😊) 

This third try must be a transparent message to Melanie that it’s over between them. Not solely is he in love with you, however he loves you and needs to spend the remainder of his life with you. 

If you’re not 100% positive of this by now, then I agree solely with Mr. Baer: “A fiancé who places you first, retains his guarantees, and consigns his ex to historical past is the very least you need to count on.”

All the most effective,

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com