“Each girl has a reservoir of rage. It could both destroy her or remake her.” – Audre Lorde
Someplace between the ages of twenty-two and 25, I discovered myself drowning on dry land, caught between an troubled “good woman” identification and a eager for one thing that felt extra true, extra congruent, extra genuine. I had my first panic assault in entrance of my mother and father whereas we ate grass-fed beef burgers and the ketchup stung my throat as a cry tried to return about. Confusion painted their faces, and in marvel they requested, “Why the panic? You’re fantastic, you’re protected, you will have what you want.”
Which was true… in a bodily sense.
But, the stress between what my interior being knew to be true and what I thought I wanted to be as a result of field that I discovered myself chained to turned all too loud and problematic.
Was it rage? Was it anger? Was it a chronic grief of what may very well be that roared like a wild hearth in me?
And I rapidly realized that I solely must get out of my personal means, regardless of any system or construction that lead me to consider I had no alternative however to remain…
Rage and Longing
“Rage” is a poetic solution to describe the journey of grieving the identification that was positioned on us and re-centering ourselves again to who we actually are.
Die My Love, the newest Jennifer Lawrence movie, brilliantly toes the road of a girl in metaphorical captivity eager for the wild. It’s totally poetic, complicated, and wealthy. Poetic in narrative, complicated in construction, but wealthy in themes or rage and longing.
That is story of a girl on the sting of a nervous breakdown, in search of self-destruction simply to really feel alive within the wake of birthing one other human that has appeared to strip her of each different identification apart from “mommy.”
The self-destructive rage she possesses isn’t in the direction of her child, however slightly, in the direction of the world that has put her right into a shell of a house—or only a marriage with a checked out accomplice—the place play is not within the equation of her marriage, work, or self. As viewers members, we’re uncertain of what’s true and what’s not true as our character inches nearer and nearer to the sting—or maybe freedom.
I couldn’t assist however marvel if getting into the “rage” can be defeat or not. It appears extra like an effort to discover a new, reworked model of ourselves the place titles and misplaced identities are stripped away, permitting us to really feel alive and linked to ourselves as soon as extra. And this “rage” is a poetic solution to describe the journey of grieving the identification that was positioned on us via folks, beliefs, or communities and re-centering ourselves again to who we actually are.
It’s a longing that’s all too acquainted on the planet of womanhood. A longing that may be simply shushed or shoved away earlier than we understand now we have no possible way of returning to the woman we actually know.
Made for Extra, and Extra, and Extra
It’s a must to perceive the story that had curated my life to be what I knew then. It was a narrative during which a system enforced concepts onto younger ladies to develop into “sure ladies” who would nod, bear, and settle for—and deny braveness, guts, and boldness. It was nearly seemed down upon to be a girl who took up house, thoughts, physique, and soul.
(Reader—and Mother—please observe that fortunately, my mother and father by no means as soon as inflicted this type of ideology upon me.)
Extra particularly, ladies have been pushed to the aspect within the religion communities I discovered myself in—from faculty to work—and when a girl spoke with boldness or assertiveness, she was rapidly deemed “loopy.” It was not thought of turning into for a lady to ask for what she wanted, whether or not in a romantic relationship or inside spiritual methods.
I recall a New Testomony professor at my southern Baptist college very bluntly telling me, “Don’t assume; you’re not excellent at it.” I froze as a lot of the class tried to cover their lives whereas I attempted to carry again my tears as I counted every tile within the ceiling. I recall feeling deeply small in a dozen romantic relationships every time my wants have been voiced or requested, the place I used to be as an alternative ignored and categorized as merely “extremely delicate.” And I simply took all of it for for much longer than I ought to have.
And no, I don’t look again on these moments as a sufferer, for therefore many—women and men alike—have been harmed by patriarchal ideology that has seeped into spiritual and religion areas and souls. As an alternative, I look again on these moments as the start of an finish—and the start of coming into into the “extra” that awaited me.
It was once I had lastly shed outdated pores and skin, outdated thought patterns, and outdated perceptions on what it meant to reside, transfer, and be as a girl that one thing new got here forth via the rugged soil.
The fashion is what introduced me to newness, to wholeness, and again to the woman I had by some means misplaced alongside the way in which. It was led to with the assistance of associates, re-connecting with the hobbies that made me come to life, and studying to be OK with taking on house via voicing my opinions, wants, or longings.
Most significantly, I got here to know that the poisonous pondering of patriarchy and what a girl’s function ought to seem like was going to take me down a dead-end avenue. A avenue that may possibly not really feel lonely, however suffocating…
Fearfully & Splendidly Made
I feel I’ve come to a spot of calmness inside me, that which is discovered on the opposite aspect of rage. A spot of being curious to be taught extra about me and the issues that delight me—and the issues that scare me, too. I’ve heard it mentioned that we’re all fearfully and splendidly made. But it surely’s our job to unlock that a part of us with boldness and audacious selections and selections.
The “rage” is what introduced me to those newfound locations, and introduced me again to the model of me I used to be at all times made to be.
My apologies for forgetting her for fairly a while…
This evaluate was initially printed on Simply Cultured on November 14, 2025. Republished right here with the creator’s permission.
